OPENING WEEK
Wow, what a crappy National Championship Game. The officiating went from spotty to an all out heavy flow. That said, UNC winning gave TOB the win in his bracket challenge. That’s right, even TOB is making money off of college kids. Way to go Joel Barry, Kennedy Meeks, and Justin Jackson! It was nice to see two teams full of Juniors and Seniors playing in the Championship, it’s been a while with Kentucky and (gasp!) Duke playing primarily one-and-done kids. Now that basketball is over, hopefully one of the puck buddies can get off of their ass and write a hockey column, but until then, let’s get to MLB opening day(s)! But first, a word from our newest sponsor:
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Baseball is back! Well, sort of. The Cardinals/Cubs game has been postponed due to rain, and if you live in the Midwest this should not surprise you as it has rained for seemingly the last six weeks. One of these days it will stop, and then it will be 100 degrees, yay for Missouri! A few observations from the first couple of days:
St. Louis Cardinals: Lineup looks solid, but very few hitters that can intimidate the opposition (read: none). The defense looks as bad, if not worse, than last year. That is a YUGE problem with a rotation full of non-strikeout pitchers. Good signing of Piscotty, life changing money for him, cheap contract for the Birds if he can keep his steady ascent to a .290/25/90 guy with solid defense. The only issue may be that he is apparently a magnet for the baseball when running the bases.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZVUmGlgDRfA
Chicago Cubs: Offense has about 7 guys that frighten opposing pitchers, but they can get a bit jumpy if the pitcher is nibbling (save for Schwarberg, who apparently is the second coming of Ted Williams). Wade Davis is no Chapman, but if the starting pitching holds up, the Cubs could be better than last year.
Bryce Harper: He of flowing locks appears to be back on track after a down 2016. After leading Spring Training with 8 homeruns, he started with a homerun in the Nats The Nats could use his MVP form if they want to stay in contention in what may be a tough NL East. Two more years Yankee fans…
Baltimore: Looking to avenge the wild card loss, the Orioles could be the team to beat in the AL East…well, as soon as Boston has two starting pitchers go down for the season. Sorry Cheech.
Yankees: Young starts starting slow. Rays have a decent pitching staff, but not exactly world beaters. Apparently Harper can’t come soon enough.
Heyward vs. Fowler Update:
Heyward: .500 OPS through two games (8 AB). One hit was legit, one was a broken bat flare, congrats. Let’s just see if he can stay on the field with that crowded outfield in Chicago.
Fowler: .583 OPS through two games (8 AB). Two hits and one walk, doesn’t look that comfortable yet, but he did face John Lester and Jake Arietta in his first two games.
Manfred Mann’s League of The Blind Update:
Silky Johnson’s Player Haters: Yankees are struggling, Cubs need to pick up the pace if Silky wants to be a real player in this contest.
Dexter’s Laboratory: Rangers and Royals, woof! As soon as the Red Sox implode because Chris Sale has proven to be an experiment gone bad, Dexter may fall out of the race.
Synderhard-on for Kershaw:
Blake Street Bombers: Rockies and Twins carrying the load! May need to steal some wins from those two to keep up with the early mediocrity of the Nats and Giants.
Cano Corn: Astros and Indians already look like great picks…the Mariners, not so much.
Best Moment of the Year (to date): Let's go Rays! And Mets! White Sox may not have been the best pick in retrospect...
Adam Wainwright threw a pitch that would make 50 Cent proud. It appeared Wainwright had a curveball grip, ready to bounce one off of the plate, but then Yadi shifted to the outside corner, indicating some sort of fastball (two or four seam). With runners on base often times the catcher will switch to a series of signs in order to keep the runners from picking up the pitch; obviously Yadi and Waino were not on the same page. Hilarity ensues…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwPy1KUu5xM
What’s Annoying TOB this Week:
Lately TOB has been getting e-mails about how the articles are a bit too positive. Early in TOB’s existence, there was a lot more ranting and raving about things that are bothersome in this world (well, primarily petty things that bother a middle class, white, male). What has TOB become, we have to get back to our roots!
Have you seen these shows where people are able to do something extremely well, such as paint, cook, or remodel a home? But instead of doing a good job, they do a half-assed job, in ½ or even ¼ the time it should have taken them? What the hell is the point of that? You’re on TV, condense the activity! I’ve seen infomercials where they cook a 15lb turkey in 3 minutes. We are all aware there was some time lapse there, but we’re not bothered. Set it and forget it for God’s sake! Let these geniuses perform at their peak, and take out the boring parts. We do not need a world class chef making banana splits on TV because they didn’t have time to make their famous seven layer Tiramisu Cheesecake. I realize we are all about speed these days, (TOB has been trying to convince LOB that efficiency is more important than quality for years) but when it comes to experts, please let them complete their project in the proper amount of time.
Best Comment by an Announcer (to date):
This will likely be Tim McCarver most of the time. For one, TOB watches mostly Cardinals games and Tim drops by to do color for the Birds once or twice a week. Second, Tim McCarver says the dumbest shit TOB has ever heard on a regular basis. Tuesday night, Tim McCarver stated that a pitch was a “turnover.” TOB immediately asked aloud, “What kind of turnover? Apple? Cherry? What the fuck is he talking about?” All parties in the room looked at TOB like he was some sort of cynical prick…sometimes two things can be true at the same time…
-Tony on Ball
