BASEBALL - WEEK 4
Playoff hockey and early season baseball…where have we heard that before? Well, turns out the St. Louis Blues are still around in the old Stanley Cup Playoffs which can only mean two things: TOB has a full on white trash beard and Puck Buddy #1 (Dan Ragon) is two minutes from a coronary at any moment. Great hockey so far, with 18 games in the first round going to overtime. The Connor McDavid’s look tough taking a 2-0 lead in the Ducks building, Washington seems poised to crap the bed again, and the Blues are playing with house money in a rebuilding year. Wait, isn’t this Tony on BALL, not Tony on PUCK? You are correct, random reader, let’s get to the balls, I mean, whatever. And now, a word from our sponsor:
Do you like to have a few drinks from time to time? Who are you kidding, you like to overindulge on the reg. And when you are in your altered state, do you try to communicate with friends and family through text? Do most of those texts make it seem as though you have a fourth grade reading level? Alternatively, are you a female who has given up and refuses to go out with her friends? Want to send a text to your fun friends explaining that you can’t go out because you already had a happy hour with your “other friends” and are just going to stay in? TOB has the product for you! Introducing the new “DREXT” app for iPhone and Samsung. The DREXT app can translate back and forth from nonsensical drunk talk into a complete sentence, with compliments! For example, out with your buddies watching a ball game and promised your wife you would only have a “couple.” Your phone lights up after your third Jameson shot and she is asking when you’re coming home. Your original text: “Heeyyyy! I’ll home whenevs, Steve just buying more shots and the game in OT!” After DREXT: “Hey cutie, getting ready to close out. Will be heading out after I finish this beer. Looks like the game may go to overtime, I'll see you when I get home.” Fight avoided.
Various Team TOB observations:
St. Louis Cardinals: Things have turned around…kind of. The offense has come back alive, though they have been playing some lesser teams the past week. Starting pitching is starting to round into form; it’s a good sign that the two questions marks are Martinez and Wainwright. Martinez will figure it out, he’s too talented not to. Wainwright will work his way through 5 or 6 every week, hopefully figuring out how to pitch backwards and use his defense…oh wait, that is still a YUGE concern. The Cardinals are currently 30th in fielding percentage and 30th in errors committed (there are 30 teams in the MLB, just in case you were wondering). The bigger problem is, though they are last in fielding, they don’t even get to all of the chances they could. The infield is full of second basemen playing out of position to varying degrees, even Colton Wong who is allegedly a future gold glover goes full on Knoblauch on occasion.
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/766842/Knoblauchs-bad-throw-drills-woman-behind-dugout.html
Offense carried them to 86 wins last year, and we were told by Matheny that the defense and base running blunders would be cleaned up by the start of this season. Strong disagree. Still booting the ball around, still running into silly outs. They are now a 3 tool team (still can't catch the ball or run, but hey, 3/5 ain't bad - Meatloaf...close enough).
Anaheim Angels: Pujols and Trout are smashing the ball, helping them win a bunch of softball games out West. The Astros are the class of the division, so Trout’s first playoff win will have to be a wild card for the foreseeable future. Also, happy five year anniversary to Mike Trout, two MVP’s and three runner ups, too bad most sports fans couldn’t pick him out of a lineup.
Bryce Harper: After a down year, Harper is back to being one of the best players in baseball, with the unquestioned best hair. His 1.305 OPS is leading the league, but just ahead of his own teammate Ryan Zimmerman, who is also having a terrific year. We shall see if Joe Maddon can throw Harper off again by repeatedly walking him. Be a man, Joe, throw him a strike.
Baltimore Orioles: Thank goodness Zack Britton didn’t pitch in that wild card game last year, he looks fresh as a daisy. J/K, despite his 5 saves, that 1.86 WHIP is bound to catch up with him. Muchado is one of the most exciting players in the game, and Trumbo should break out of his funk before too long. Looks like they’ll be battling the Yankees in the East all year.
Kansas City Royals: Oh how the mighty have fallen. It was only two short years ago that Paul Rudd had this little gem:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bikMtylIxp8
No more parties at Rudd’s mom’s house. Back to 65 wins and praying for the future.
Heyward vs. Fowler Update:
Heyward: .764 OPS through 20 games (80 AB). Right on track for his career numbers. A little more power than expected in the homerun department (still only 4 XBH). The speed may be dwindling, three stolen base attempts, caught twice.
Fowler: .737 OPS through 22 games (90 PA). Here we go! Dexter has been hot the last week, showing a lot of power (8 XBH). Expected a little higher batting average from the leadoff spot, but so long as he keeps mashing TOB is perfectly content.
Manfred Mann’s League of The Blind Update:
Silky Johnson’s Player Haters (Cubs, Yankees, Tigers, Angels, Braves Padres): Wins – 68 / Pace – 486. Right at the .500 pace. Cubs are dragging, but the Yankees are one of the best teams in baseball. They and the Angels could carry Silky
Dexter’s Laboratory (Red Sox, Rangers, Cardinals, Royals, Diamondbacks, Reds): Wins – 66 / Pace – 465. Cardinals have turned it around, but the Royals are still hot garbage. Going to take the Rangers or Red Sox getting hot for Dexter to have a chance.
Synderhard-on for Kershaw (Dodgers, Mets, Blue Jays, Pirates, Rays, White Sox): Wins – 61 / Pace – 436. No need to sugar coat it anymore. TOB’s collection of teams suck. How can the Dodgers have the same amount of wins as the White Sox?! Good Lord I’m a terrible gambler.
Blake Street Bombers (Nationals, Giants, Rockies, Orioles, Brewers, Twins): Wins – 80 / Pace – 555. Rockies and Orioles are major overachievers, Nationals are doing what they were expected (see that Dodgers?), and the Giants should probably get better as the season goes on (nice work Mad Bum).
Cano Corn (Astros, Indians, Mariners, Marlins, Phillies, Athletics): Wins – 69 / Pace – 501. Astros carrying the load, but the others are keeping it together (see that Blue Jays?). Solid pace, nothing all that exciting about any of these teams save for the Astros.
The trade season is on! All trades will have to be approved by the rest of the league to prevent shenanigans. Trades will stop on the official MLB trade deadline, July 31st. No waiver wire moves allowed, because, well, that doesn't make sense in this context.
Best Moment of the Year (to date):
The Cardinals are back to being mediocre, but this play would not show that. Turns out the Blue Jays can fly, they just can’t win many baseball games.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-uyxllz-i3Y
What’s Annoying TOB this Week:
Chevy’s commercials are the worst thing on TV. Yes, TOB is aware most people don’t watch commercials because they watch Netflix, or Hulu, or whatever the kids are watching these days. TOB watches mostly live sports, so commercials are part of the deal. It’s great that Chevy has spent seemingly millions of dollars on their commercial sets where trucks come out of the ground, are suspended by magnets, and come out of futuristic storage containers. How about you put some of that money into R&D and make vehicles that people want to drive and perform well? Initial quality awards are nice (I guess), but Chevy is branding themselves as the crazy girl we all dated in college that was great for about three weeks and then you spent 2 years trying to get rid of her.
Best Comment by an Announcer (to date):
Nothing worth mentioning this week. Though it is sweet when they go to the booth during Cardinal games and we get to see fat Dan McLaughlin. Apparently he traded alcohol for milk shakes.
-Tony on Ball
