Here at Tonyonball, we have been struggling a bit with our college football picks. It’s no secret, we get hundreds of e-mails about how much money we are costing people by using our picks, and we feel terrible about it. How will we ever make up for such devastatingly bad picks? The same way car dealerships are able to sell cars below what they paid, VOLUME! Not only the volume of their voice (NOW THAT’S A DON BROWN DEAL, AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE HILL), but also moving the cars in volume. Apparently, if you are selling at a loss, but you increase sales, you make money (logic courtesy of Johnny Londoff Chevrolet, at the Washington/Elizabeth exit where they own their building and lot, because property in that part of town goes for $0.01 per acre). To prove this theory, Tonyonball and his struggling sidekick Robert the Cheech will be picking all 39 bowl games. Note: there are only 120 teams that can qualify for a bowl, so if your team isn’t in one, they are probably going to have a new coach next year.
Before we get to the picks, Tonyonball would be remiss not to air his Festivus grievances:
· Can we stop with kids doing things adults should be doing? Half of the commercials these days involve someone’s kid vouching for their parents with broken English and a speech impediment. And why do all of the competition shows I like have to ruin it by having kids versions (Chopped Junior)? Here’s the thing, kids are not cute. Everyone knows this, but they won’t admit it because they want other people to tell them that their child is cute. It’s like this big scam that everyone is in on (like the cable/satellite companies all agreeing to have terrible service so there is nowhere to turn). Of course you don’t want to admit your kid is ugly, they are the combination of yourself and someone you chose to have sex with. Unfortunately, they form into some sort of ghoulish creature for about 12 years until they hit puberty, it gets worse, then they come out the other side looking mediocre, if you’re lucky (research Joakim Noah sometime, his parents are stunning, while he is frequently compared to the ugliest dog on the planet in “who’s hotter” polls – and he usually loses). These little monsters run around with a major appetite for destruction and a minor control of their bowels. They are like that friend in college that you would invite out because you were bored and just kind of wanted to see what would happen. The next morning you are sending apology texts to the host of the house party where he broke the bathroom door and peed in the corner of the kitchen. Facebook has made it worse! As Tonyonball is advancing in age, many friends fill up newsfeeds with headshots of these little trolls, there is no escape! Kids must be stopped, they must be stopped now, before it gets too out of hand…unfortunately we may already be there. For the record, Tonyonball plans to have a couple of kids and they will no doubt be the cutest kids to walk the earth, so there’s that…
· Toy bubbles are back! Perhaps Tonyonball was shielded from this the last few years for some reason, but it appears that people going crazy over one or two particular toys for Christmas again. This is very exciting news because people will pay double, triple, sometimes 10X as much as a toy is worth just so their child doesn’t get his/her feelings hurt on Christmas morning. This year, it appears to be some sort of toy that hatches from a shell. They typically go for about $30, but they are selling for over $200 on Ebay. That’s amazing! Tonyonball remembers the Tickle Me Elmo craze, the Ferbie craze, and even the decent run for Beanie Babies. People would overspend for a stuffed animal justifying it to themselves by saying it would hold value and be a collector’s item, forgetting that Tyco was cranking as many of these things out as they could since people were OVERYPAYING for them. Soon after, a $200 Christmas themed Beanie Baby went back to being worth around $5, or what a small stuffed toy should be worth. Amazing. Tonyonball can’t wait for the stories of these hatching things losing value and people being so confused.
Alright, now to the picks! Robert the Cheech through about half of a season: 11-19-1. This guy needs to move some units to make up for those losses. Don’t worry, he’ll just write it off.
PICKS TO FOLLOW – STILL DIGESTING LAST WEEK’S GAMES
Now to the picks champion of the year, Tonyonball: 11-14. However, if you prorate that record it looks a lot better, trust me.
Wow, let’s pump the brakes there, Tonyonball, if that’s your real name. There’s still a lot football left to be played. Robert the Cheech here, and instead of writing my own bowl season picks post, I’m going to piggyback on his so I don’t have research the game lines, and I get the benefit of seeing his picks first. Not exactly the most honest approach, but when you’re behind in the game you gotta do what you gotta do to get back in it, or something. Anyway, that’s what T-Bone gets for showing his hand. And since I am behind, I’m going to have to make a number of picks that differ from his, whether I like it or not, and hope for the best.
Anyway, In case anyone was wondering, I’m writing my portion of this post from not-so-sunny Southern California. Nobody told me that mid-December was monsoon season here. But that’s ok, the foul weather gives me an opportunity to connect with my readers, and to have a beer at 9 am (it’s after noon where I’m from!). I’ll be writing in the blue, italic font, in case you haven’t figured that out yet. Party on, Wayne. Editor's note: We at Tonyonball don't have the budget for blue font, so it will just be italicized.
New Mexico -7.5 over Texas – San Antonio: When Tonyonball doesn’t know anything about either school, the rule of thumb is to pick against the directional school. Having gone to a directional school (at the time, it has since been renamed, as previously mentioned, Tonyonball is advancing in age), and knowing the level of their football team, this seems like a no brainer.
Pretty sure it’s Texas A&M – San Antonio, dingus. And you call yourself a professional sports journalist? I’m going with the Jaguars in this one. That’s TAMU-SA, btw.
Houston -3.5 over San Diego State: Houston had a good run this year, beating a couple of good teams (Louisville), but losing some games they certainly shouldn’t have (Memphis). Getting blocked from the Big 12, nice move Big 12 can’t wait for you to dissolve, their coach jumped for Texas. This will be a statement win if they can keep the momentum they built up during the season. Go Cougs.
I want to agree with Tonyonball here, but since I’m in SoCal at the moment and they played a song from everyone’s favorite San Diego area pop-punkers (Blink-182, duh) on the radio today, I’m going to take that as a sign and pick Whale-Vag State. Boom!
Arkansas State +5.5 over Central Florida: Ummm, there really are a lot of these damn bowl games huh?
Agreed, samesies.
App. State +1 over Toledo: App State, the giant killers! They have altered Michigan football for the last 8 years (sorry Lloyd Carr).
Here’s a fun made up fact: Appalachian State t-shirts are still a top seller in Lansing, MI. I’ll take App State.
Southern Miss -4.5 over LA Lafayette: Football was down in Louisiana this year, the trend continues.
Sure, why not.
Central Michigan +12.5 over Tulsa: That’s a lot of points for two teams I’ve never seen play. Not just this year, ever. Tulsa seems like a nice town, jk, it sounds terrible.
When you’re right, you’re right. Kalamazoo is way cooler than Tulsa, probably. What’s that? Western Michigan is in Kalamazoo and Central Michigan is in Mount Pleasant? And Western Michigan is the team that went 12-0 and Central only went 6-6? I definitely got my Michigan directional schools mixed up. At least I know where Tulsa is, let’s go with them.
W. Kentucky -5 over Memphis: The Hilltoppers, what a sweet name. No idea what their mascot looks like but I will be watching this game to find out. See you in March, Memphis. Let’s not make it weird again.
I know a few people who went to Western KY, and they’re not exactly my favorite people. (Oh crap, what if they read this?! Hahahahaha) And I think a Hilltopper is a big red blob, like a less purple Grimace. I haven’t had McDonald’s forever. I’ll go with the Tigers.
Wyoming +8.5 over BYU: A good friend of mine gave me some inside tips on this game. First, BYU is a Mormon school. Ok, that’s the only tip I received, but it seems like enough doesn’t it? Shout out to Ford Roes in Cody, WY.
Isn’t Wyoming’s mascot the Cowboys? Isn’t BYU’s mascot the Cows? I’ll go with Wyoming.
Idaho +13.5 over Colorado State: Idaho has treated me well the last couple of weeks, let’s ride the hot team. Also, finals are over, those Colorado kids are stoned to the bejesus at this point. They just want their bowl swag and the post-game meal. Far out.
Or is it Idaho who are is the Cowboys? We’ll never know! I have to stick to my principles here, which begin with “No research allowed, ever!” Anyway, I’ll go with points on this one and take the maybe-Cowboys.
Old Dominion -4 over Eastern Michigan: Old Dominion will carry the load and deliver in this one. That’s a freight joke. Old Dominion is also a freight company. You know, it’s hard to make jokes when you have to keep explaining them. I knew I overpaid for those freight jokes, there must be some sort of freight joke bubble.
Hey, if anyone appreciates a good freight joke, it’s……me? Eastern Michigan severely out-performed expectations this season by reaching a bowl game. I think they went all UMR the past 2 seasons and were winless for 20 something games (again, no research allowed), and to turn that around and get to a bowl is impressive. Since they’re in my backyard, I’ll go with the EMU Eagles.
Navy +4.5 over LA Tech: Navy is sore after losing to Army for the first time since Tonyonball could legally drink alcohol (that goes back a ways kids!). Louisiana Tech? What the hell do they teach at that school? What do people in Louisiana think is cutting edge technology, the wheel? That school kind of seems like an oxymoron, heavy on the moron.
Yeah, LA Tech is kind of a crap school, unlike where we went, the prestigious Missouri University of Science & Technology. LA Tech, doesn’t even have science! Ha, losers. I’ll take the Midshippeople.
Ohio +3.5 over Troy: ??? Whatevs.
No kidding, bowl season is exhausting. Samesies.
Miami (OH) +13 over Miss. State: Tonyonball will be spending Christmas in Mississippi (yes, on purpose). However, not this part of Mississippi, apparently they are similar to the Louisiana Tech people.
I hope you’re not staying there too long. We have to watch some of these games together at ITAP! Anyway, I’ll take the dummies at Miss State over the smart people at Miami (OH). Once the Bulldog faithful start with those obnoxious cowbells, the Miami players are going to give up out of sheer annoyance.
Boston College +1 over Maryland: In a classic ACC showdown, Boston College will try to keep up with Maryland’s fast paced spread ‘em out offense while slowing the pace and limiting possessions and turnovers. Wait, this is football? Maryland is in the Big 10 now? Umm, go Eagles?
Agreed
NC State -4 over Vandy: It’s getting really hard to care about some of these games. I’m literally flipping a coin and watching my dog freak out when it hits the tile floor.
Watching Dillon freak out over a coin on the floor would be more entertaining than a lot of these games. I’ll take Vandy just to be different.
Army -10 over North Texas: Sorry Dylan, that one almost hit you in the nose (Dylan is Tonyonball’s doggie, he’s adorable, not like your booger faced child).
Oh, I didn’t know that’s how you spelled Dylan. My bad. I’ll go with Army too.
Temple -13 over Wake Forest: Tempted to go the other way in this one since it will be the first fair fight Wake Forest has had in 3 seasons. Apparently the Wake Forest color man (broadcaster you racist) was giving the opposing team their entire game plan before each game. This is troublesome because, well it’s pretty obvious why it’s troublesome.
Did you mean to misspell “tempted” as “temped”, like it was some sort of nod to Temple? Anyway, I fixed it for you. I’ll go with Wake. Editor’s note: Tonyonball does not make spelling or grammatical errors.
Washington State -7.5 over Minnesota: Mike Leach is crazy. He’s a solid coach, but he’s crazy. If he wasn’t coaching, he would be teaching at Louisiana Tech. His class would be called, “Shapes and Colors with Mr. Leach.”
Wow, you’re really going after LA Tech, aren’t you? I’ll take Wazzu as well.
Boise State +7.5 over Baylor: Can’t pick Baylor, they are terrible human beings (the admin, well, and some of the players).
I’ll take the Broncos too. Oh, and I just remembered that Idaho is the Vandals, not the Cowboys. See, good things can happen when you avoid research.
Pitt -5.5 over Northwestern: By Penn State’s logic, Pitt should be in the College Football Championship. Come on, they beat Clemson after all, shouldn’t this be decided on the field?! Who cares about those other games they lost against common opponents, those weren’t played on a field apparently.
Are we getting close to the end yet? Good luck reading through all of this and figuring out which picks we each got right and wrong. Did you hire that intern? I want to take Pitt but I also need some different picks than you. But Northwestern was garbage, so Panthers it is.
Miami -3 over WV: Miami isn’t great, but West Virginia couldn’t win the Big 12, which has 10 teams, must have been named by Louisiana Tech.
Still going after the Techies, huh? I’ll take WV
Utah -7.5 over Indiana: Hoosiers had a surprisingly good season, but had to fire their head coach for bringing guys back too early from concussions. This generation is so soft…
Hoosiers, also, take the over in this game no matter what it is. Editor’s note: It’s 54, and yes, take the over
Kansas State +2 over Texas A&M: This seems like the type of game that Kevin Sumlin loses (sorry Brian Battle, you know it’s true). He appears to be about 2 seasons away from coaching Louisville (after Bobby Petrino becomes the newest KKK Grandmaster).
Which of those coaches is at which school? I’ll take K-State.
South Florida -10.5 over South Carolina: Not sure what to think about this game, South Carolina had a good run a few years back, now the Ball Coach is getting his portrait done by some musician painter guy in front of a few hundred people…awkward.
You’re going against your directional state rule, I see. I’ll go with the Cocks.
Arkansas +7 over VA Tech: Don’t care, go hogs. Shout out to Curtis Parrott.
Samesies.
OK State +3 over Colorado: Both teams had a disappointing showing in their Conference Championship Game (or defacto for Ok State, as it were). I’m with the guy who grew a mullet.
I’lll take Colorado.
Georgia -1 over Texas Christian: Kirby Smart needs this to build for next year. TCU doesn’t have LT walking through that door.
Yup
Stanford -3.5 over UNC: Stanford played in the better conference. I’m really reaching at this point. How many more of these damn games are there?!?
Agreed – get out of my head Tonyonball!
Nebraska +3 over Tennessee: Member when Nebraska was a Top 10 team, yeah I member…
Ha, my exhaustive non-research tells me that Tennessee was also a Top 10 team this season, maybe. Go Vols.
Air Force -13.5 over Southern Alabama: ?
That’s a lot of points, I’ll take SoBama.
Michigan -7 over Florida State: Now this is a game! Michigan looked quite good against Ohio State, basically giving it away with terrible picks and fumbles (that quarterback has got to go). It’s not a stretch to think they could be in the playoff if one of those turnovers goes their way. It’s quite a stretch to think that Florida State could be in the playoff. Also, Harbaugh probably thinks he can still make it somehow if they win this game, so they will be plenty motivated.
Now that’s some analysis! Can’t disagree with that. Wolverines it is.
Louisville +3.5 over LSU: LSU has been motivated by coach Ed, who has a sweet voice (sounds like he just finished smoking a pack of Marlboro Reds every time he speaks). However, a quick little guy like Jackson is just the player LSU cannot stop. Louisville may win this game by 14 (Sorry Lindsay Landry, at least you’re not Louisiana Tech).
Who is Lindsay Landry? Guy or girl? I’m going to pick LSU in this one, based purely on their defensive performance in the Bama game.
Georgia Tech -3.5 over Kentucky: Does Georgia Tech still run the triple option? Probably, Kentucky also isn’t very good (though they beat Louisville).
I think they do. I will also take the Bumble Bees.
Washington +14.5 over Alabama: Bama will win this game, but Peterson is too good a coach to get blown out by that much.
Peterson is good, but I’ll take Bama anyway. Saban shows no mercy. But I’ll cheer for the Huskies (only to win outright, though. don’t tease me and only cover the spread)
Ohio State -3.5 over Clemson: Everyone keeps saying Clemson is better than last year, not sure I buy it. They are due for a good Clemsoning here.
Yup…..almost done!
Western Michigan +7.5 over Wisconsin: Wisconsin can score, but they proved their defense has plenty of holes against Penn State. They will probably win, but 7.5 is too many.
Maybe, but I’ll take the Badgers.
Florida -2.5 over Iowa: Both teams took a step back from last year? I have no idea.
Me neither. I’ll take Iowa.
USC -6.5 over Penn State: Penn State is all butt hurt over not making it to the playoff. Win this game and you MIGHT have a case, even though you were the third best team in the Big 10. Wisconsin made it to the title game based on geography, not “on the field.” Had you played Ohio State or Michigan again in that title game, it would have been a blood bath. I know it, you know it, even Louisiana Tech knows it.
Aren’t you taking it a bit too far with all the LA Tech hate? I’ll take PSU.
Oklahoma -3 over Auburn: Auburn may be looking for a new coach here soon, that National Title is getting smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror. Big Game Bob is back!
I’ll also take the Sooners. This seems like one of the easier picks of bowl season, so I’ll get it wrong. Whatever. The rain finally stopped here, and now I’m going go-karting with Adrien the French. Check ya later.
Enjoy the Bowl Games, it’s almost time for College Basketball!
-Tonyonball
